Surprises

I’ve been struggling with an opening paragraph for days. Nothing seems adequate. When I write a post, nine times out of ten they’re planned. But I’ve been really struggling with this one. So I’m just going to write and keep whatever comes out.

9 months ago my mother told me she was pregnant. I took it horribly, actually the worst out of all my siblings. I just remember looking into her cautious blue eyes and saying, “No. You’re not, are you?” She nodded.  And it was at that exact moment I began allowing myself to drown in fear of the unknown.

At the discretion of my mother, I’m not going to divulge specific details, but to put simply; health was not on our side. Living 4 hours away didn’t help my growing concerns. Every time I called, mama’s tone would contradict her reassuring words.

Studying full time at uni, working every weekend and maintaining some form of social interaction, it seemed finding even a day to visit was next to impossible.
I needed to see my mum. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to know the baby was okay - even if only for an hour. So that’s what I did, I took the next train after my Friday evening class, 4 hours later and I was in my mama’s arms. I arrived at 9pm and left at 5am to make work the next morning. 8 hours of travel for 2 hours of precious time together. That’s all I needed to loosen the pressure on my heart.  

The next few months weren’t much different. And before we knew it, it was November, only weeks away from the due date.

I came up on the 24th to play the waiting game.

Four days later, nothing but braxton hicks contractions. As great as lounging around the house reading was, I wanted that baby out. Our entire family did.

We were told there were going to be complications, and it was recommended we went to another hospital for better paediatric care. So we did. Mum headed to the hospital Friday evening, only to find out that nothing would happen until Saturday morning. And happen it did.

Her waters broke at 7am and true contractions began around 11am. I remember feeling sick. Three coffees and no food, mixed with apprehension and excitement sort of sick.

 It was discussed earlier on in the pregnancy that I was going to be in the birthing suite. But the news that mama’s contractions times were becoming more sporadic and less intense, I took it as a sign to go eat something before I passed out. Jordy came with me to the cafeteria, where we sat and reflected on what was actually happening. My mother was two stories above me, suffering in labour, while I was drinking more coffee. We decided to go sit around the corner from the maternity ward in the oncology department (it had comfy lounges there), because we were told mum would still be in labour for a while before anything happened. 10 minutes later, half way through our second around of “20 Questions”, Maddy (my eldest sister) ran full speed out of the ward – left – right – there – she saw us. 

It was time.

Maddy took us to the room where mum had been writhing in pain for the past 4 hours. I inhaled a lung full of hospital air and pushed the door open.

It was nothing like the birthing videos I had watched to try and prepare myself. What I watched didn’t prepare me for how I felt. I was holding on to Jordy and she was holding on to me. I hadn’t realised I’d stopped breathing, until it was all over.

There she was, a beautiful HEALTHY baby girl.

I couldn’t stop crying. I looked around the room to see I was not alone with the stemming tears. She let out a cry, my heart fluttered and it hit me. She was really here. Blinking, crying, breathing, here.  9 relentless months of feeling on edge everyday – gone. I could breathe freely again. I wanted to scream at all the doctors who told us she wasn’t going to be okay. But it didn’t matter anymore. She was here and she was okay.

 

Name: Penelope

Date of Birth: 29/11/2012

Time: 1502

Sex: Girl

Weight (gms): 3105

Length (cms): 50

Head circ (cms): 34

Midwife: Amber & Georgie

  

Dear Nellie,

You are the most extraordinary thing I have ever seen. You put my heart under so much emotional duress over these past 9 months I should be livid at you. But I’m not. I’m really not. In fact, I’ve never been so smitten. From the moment I saw you I was in love. My heart melted when I held you in my arms. I was the first person other than our mama to hold you. You looked at me with your beautiful blue eyes. You blinked. Then you yawned. I couldn’t help but laugh at how perfect you were. It wasn’t until I finally put you down I realised my arms were aching. And empty. I wanted you back.

I’m scared I won’t be able to be in your life as much as we both need. I’m going to try. You’re my only little sister. I want to teach you things and watch you grow into your own little person. But the most important thing you should know, and I will make sure you never forget, you are loved with the most special kind of love. 

The kind that is unconditional and unwavering.

Love your (favourite) big sister,

E

X

I don't want to write this, but I know how people can be. If you have a snide comment, please keep it to yourself - thank you!